


On The Subject Of Gender

by zonerunner



Category: Sanders Sides, Thomas Sanders
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-26
Updated: 2017-08-26
Packaged: 2018-12-21 19:05:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,485
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11950698
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zonerunner/pseuds/zonerunner
Summary: Logan had to be a boy, right? That went without saying; if Thomas was a boy, then Logan surely had to be too. It was only logical. But what if Logan wasn't a boy?





	On The Subject Of Gender

Logan had to be a boy. That’s how it had always been; it went without saying. Thomas was male, and Logan and the others were all just parts of the same one person, so surely the only option was for Logan to be a boy? **  
**

At least, that’s what Logan used to think. Recently, though, Logan had been questioning-

_his? their? her?_

-gender, and didn’t know what to believe anymore. They didn’t feel male, but they didn’t feel female either. Logan spent many a night researching the topic of their gender rather than getting a full night’s rest, for once not paying much mind to the irresponsibility of not sleeping. Soon enough, Logan decided that they were nonbinary; however, that was merely an umbrella term, and while many individuals chose to have nonbinary as their only label, Logan wanted to find something more specific. They came across a lot of terms, but none of them seemed to fit. Genderfluid? They didn’t think so. Demigender? No, that wasn’t right. Bigender? Logan wasn’t even one.

Then they found the term “agender”, a term Google defined as “denoting or relating to a person who does not identify themselves as having a particular gender”. It clicked with them, something finally making sense. Agender. Not having a particular gender. It described them perfectly.

After a bit more research, Logan decided to go with they/them pronouns. They were much better, they thought, than he/him pronouns. Much nicer to hear.

But was it logical? No matter how much Logan thought about this, no matter how many times the others had to call them out of their vacant trance, lost in thought, they always seemed to come back to the same point: Thomas was a boy, so how could Logan not be?

Soon, every time they were referred to as he or him, the words grated on their ears, reminding them that no matter what Logan felt, they would always have to be a boy. They couldn’t be nonbinary, like Joan or Talyn - at least, not openly. It simply wasn’t an option.

Keeping it all bottled up inside took its toll on Logan, though. Gradually, an urge to tell someone, to take the weight off their shoulders, built up inside them. They couldn’t tell anyone though. Sure, the others were more than accepting of Thomas’ nonbinary friends, but Logan was, to an extent, Thomas. Asking the others to use pronouns other than Thomas’ would be an inconvenience at best, and would label them as a misfit, an outsider, at worst.

No matter how much Logan tried to resign themselves to the fact that they needed to be a boy, so as to not disappoint anyone, the issue was always there, a constant ache in the back of their mind, telling them that they would never really belong. They weren’t like the others. Almost subconsciously, Logan started to distance themselves from the other sides, less frequently attending meetings, or movie marathons. They only spoke a little and smiled even less. If the others noticed Logan’s withdrawal, they didn’t say anything, other than a few concerned looks at first.

Eventually, they got annoyed at themselves. Why should this simple matter of their gender have such an effect on their everyday life? They already knew they were neither male nor female, so why did it eat at them so much?

“Why don’t you ask Logan what he thinks?” Roman asked one day, both their name and the incorrect pronoun snapping them out of their thoughts. Their reaction to being called male was almost invisible now - over the months, they had learned to make their movements less obvious; a slight hunching of the shoulders was the only thing signalling their discomfort.

“I’m sorry, I wasn’t listening. Could you repeat that?” Logan silently cursed themselves for not paying attention.

Patton looked at them, a slight expression of concern written on his face. “Is everything okay with you, kiddo? You’ve been really different recently.”

“I’m fine, Patton. I apologise for derailing your conversation. What is it you three were talking about?” Logan asked again, wanting to avoid any form of confrontation or talking about themselves.

“Video ideas. But Patton’s right, you’ve been off lately. Seems like you’re anxious about something to me. And I would know,” Virgil spoke up.

“We’re worried about you, Logan.” Patton, unsurprisingly, seemed the most concerned. Usually, Logan found the extent to which Patton felt things endearing, but now they wished that he and the other two sides would just stop looking at them.

“Come on, nerd. Tell us what’s bothering you,” Roman insisted. Logan knew that once Roman got something into his head, he wouldn’t stop until that thing happened. And right now, it was obvious that Roman wanted to know what was wrong with Logan, no matter how unimportant it was.

“Honestly, I don’t understand your concern,” Logan said, trying to play it off.

“I think I know what’s bothering you, Logan.” Patton’s words sent a stab of fear through Logan’s chest. How could he possibly know? They hadn’t said anything. But now Patton was going to tell the others and they’d all think Logan was a freak and they wouldn’t want to look at them or be with them and-

“Logan?” Virgil looked at them, his concern amplified by the look on Logan’s face.

“Yeah?” Logan replied. Why couldn’t they just pull themselves together?

“Like I was saying, I know why you’ve been so… vacant recently,” Patton said, searching for the right word.

“And why would that be?” Logan asked, trying to ignore the knot of fear in their chest.

“You don’t like being called a boy,” Patton declared triumphantly, as though proud he knew something the others didn’t. “You do this _thing_ with your shoulders every time someone calls you he, or him. Why is that, exactly?”

Damn. Now all eyes were on Logan, waiting for an answer. This was exactly what they had been avoiding. All they wanted was for this whole encounter to be nothing more than a dream. No, not a dream, a nightmare. Patton was right. He knew all along. Logan should have known how observant the emotional trait was.

“I don’t… I’m not…” Logan stuttered, eyes to the floor, trying to find the right words. For once, they didn’t know what to say, and they hated not knowing.

“Are you… Are you not a boy?” Virgil asked, confused.

“How can he not be a boy? Thomas is,” Roman pointed out.

“No. Virgil’s right.” Logan sighed. Their words were barely more than a breath, so quiet that the others had to lean in to hear them. “I’m not… I’m not a boy.” Immediately, they moved back slightly, bracing themselves for the worst. They all knew now. No taking it back.

“What do you mean?” Patton questioned.

Logan swallowed. “You know how Joan and Talyn are nonbinary?” They paused. “I’m like that. Agender, to be more specific. It means that I don’t identify with any gender, but I guess that’s pretty obvious really, from the word. It’s strange, I know, and I know Thomas is a boy but I’m just not…” Their words sped up, tumbling out of their mouth faster and faster, fueled by anxiety, only stopping when someone put a hand on their arm, causing them to jump back.

“Hey.” It was Virgil. “It’s okay."

Logan looked up for the first time, meeting Virgil’s eyes. “Really?”

“Of course it is! Why wouldn’t it be?” Patton looked as though he wanted to hug Logan, unsurprisingly.

“Of course we’re okay with that,” Roman put in. “You’re still you, of course.”

All at once, Logan felt as though a huge weight had fallen from their shoulders. It was okay. The others were okay with it. They knew, and they didn’t hate them, and maybe everything was going to be alright.

Logan let their shoulders relax, only just realising they’d been tensed up. Letting out a deep breath, they closed their eyes, the smallest of smiles forming on their face. Suddenly, a warm weight barreled into them, almost knocking them off the sofa. Surprised, they opened their eyes to see Patton squeezing the life out of them. Logan awkwardly hugged him back, but soon relaxed into the gesture. They felt safe, secure,  _loved_.

“I am so proud of you, Logan.” Patton’s voice was filled with emotion, and for once, Logan didn’t want to get away from the onslaught of feelings. They wanted to feel like this forever.

“That took guts, Logan.” Virgil smiled in the asymmetrical way Logan was so fond of.

Another pair of arms circled Patton and Logan as Roman embraced them. Moving over, Virgil leaned against Logan, his head resting on their shoulder. For a long time, the four of them stayed there, none of them saying anything. For the first time in months, Logan felt truly at peace.

They were going to be okay.


End file.
